Hey Mom, I'm just busy

In my opinion, “busy” is the #1 fight reason, the #1 why you miss your child reason, the #1 transitional challenge reason when you have a college aged kid. We live in a world where we glorify busy as if it is grandiose thing, a productive thing. It is also used as a verbal crutch permitting yourself to disregard commitments or an excuse to not be present. How many times have you heard someone say sorry I’m just busy?? As a parent of a college student, coming to terms with your child “busy” is the single most important concept to mentally survive this transitional time.

So, let’s get right to it. Guess what? They REALLY ARE BUSY. Honestly when you ask college kids what they are busy with you will usually hear the common school, work, sports, friends. But didn’t they have school, work, sports, and friends when they were in High School? What makes this different? (And believe me it is very different). Follow along for a minute: School – did they really pick their own curriculum path in High School or were they guided by the school counselor’s direction from standardized tests? Work – did they really find their own job all or guided by who you knew could get them in? Sports – How many of us had our kids in soccer at 4 years old? Not sure that was their choice. Friends – Teachers assigning tables to sit at from kindergarten, come on. If we are being honest, our kids had a lot of direction as well they should. But now …

Now, they are in college doing these things mostly on their own. If you are a college freshman parent, this may or may not resonate with you as your involvement may still be significant. But as time moves forward it will. And that is where the busy comes in. They are doing these things by themselves, learning, navigating this process. They want to do it by themselves, and they need to. And the new freedom that comes with college adds another level into this equation. And trust me, having freedom contributes to their busy.

The piece that makes you miss them, maybe even fight with them, is you are no longer part of the day to day “busy”. You are transitioning from guide to advisor (if you are lucky) or observer. You don’t know everything that happens in real time as you once did – Hey, Mom I’m changing my major to Teaching (the high school counselor didn’t identify teaching as a career for you) or Hey, Dad can I have some money for a date? (Does this girl have a name?). You will begin to be told not asked. You will find things out on social media versus at the end of the day when saying goodnight. So, what is the practical solution to help ease this transition for you? Sounds simple but – Ask them.

1. Ask about their day – but you may have to wait longer for a response than you are used to

2. Follow social media – this is controversial for some, but I have found it helpful. It’s a way we are entwined in our friends and family lives. Why not our child’s?

3. Communicate the way they need – just because you are a phone person does not mean your child is. If you meet them where they are you will get more information.

4. Tell them you miss them – there is a difference between guilting them and expressing feelings. Make sure you understand the difference.

5. Check your judgement at the door – when they do communicate their busy don’t jump straight to solutions. Most of the time they are enjoying the busy and learning for themselves. Enjoy the benefits of your parenting.